No.
It’s such a simple little word, that we have soooooo much trouble saying.
I was a full time stay at home mom, before started my coaching business about ~3ish years ago. As a stay at home mom, I had a lot of extra time to volunteer at my kids school. I love volunteering at their school, I like being in the mix and showing my appreciation for all the teachers and staff, do for my children. So I joined the PTA, was room mom (actually still am for my son’s class), helped with luncheons and various projects and was on the school’s wellness committee.
About a year after I started my business, I was feeling the crunch. I trying to grow my business, working with a few clients and still trying to maintain my normal volunteer schedule at the school…oh and I had 3 kids, including a 1 and ½year old toddler.
I was stressin’.
In my attempt to not disappoint anyone and “find balance”, I “reprioritized” my time and started spending less time sleeping, exercising, reading and spending time with friends.
Busy had taken over my life and I started to feel angry, agitated, frustrated and if I am honest, I was probably pretty unpleasant to be around (I felt pretty unpleasant, too.)!
One day, during a school committee meeting, the chair person asked me to come in on a specific day to help cut out pictures for some posters for an event I was helping with. The only day and time they could do it was a day/time I had scheduled to spend at Spin class and then take my daughter to the Library for story time. Not life or death stuff, but still important…for my daughter and myself.
When she asked us to come in, everyone else agreed and I said “Well, that’s a tough day/time for me…” Then she gave me a look and said “Can’t you just put it on the calendar and make it happen?”
And my response…”Ahhh, ok, I guess so.”
I was flabbergasted by her impertinence and pushiness, but felt trapped, because in reality I could make it happen.
So the day came, and there I was in the room cutting out pictures of fruits and vegetables, listening to the other women’s chatter, trying to keep my bored toddler from running down the hallway or eating the glue. And I was suuuuuuuuuuper irritated and resentful! I was so mad at the chair woman for making me come in, forcing me to compromise mine and my daughter’s time.
Later that night, when my husband came home, I was complaining to him about the situation and he simply said “Why didn’t you just say no?”
At the time, I was probably annoyed by his impertence and was probably thinking, “he just doesn’t get it! Oh course I couldn’t say no! I had to say Yes! She asked me I don’t want her to think…” .
But later, I was thinking about it and a I had an epiphany and the real problem. It was me. The real problem was me, not her. She didn’t make me come in or trap me…I was trapped, not by her, but by my need to please and be liked.
I allowed the “Ok, I guess so”to happen, no one made me do anything!
Ok, here is a hard truth, if something we don’t like is happening in our (adult) life…we played a big role in creating it. We show others how to treat us, by saying what is ok and not ok, saying yes or saying no or even keeping silent. We have the ability to create boundaries in our life that serve us to the highest degree or keep us playing small.
[bctt tweet=”We have the ability to create boundaries in our life that serve us to the highest degree or keep us playing small” username=”@sallytwellman”]
But you can change this! You can change this simply by saying No, no more often!
Sometimes this is hard, especially when you and the people around you are use to you saying Yes all the time (me) or if you are a person who has a case of the “fear-of-missing-outs” (me).
So I started saying no more often, to anything that I am not excited about. And I especially practiced this when I was tempted to say Yes out of a feeling of guilt and obligation.
Oh, man this is hard at times, but it’s so liberating
It is hard because, saying no, forced me to really confront a lot of the “like me, think I am special” needs I have. (One of my big limiting beliefs is: I have to say Yes, be agreeable and be accommodating all the time, in order to be liked and valued.)
So, how do we change these limiting belief systems?
First, we have to confront the thoughts/feelings that reinforce this belief system. Example: “Is it ‘true’ that Jane won’t like me anymore if I tell her, no?” The answer normally is, of course not! And if the answer is , yes, Jane will be mad…well, then you have a whole different problem! Another reason why saying agree tto things you really don’t want to do, is that very often in the situations we begin to resent ‘Jane’ (even a little) and interact with her differently…and it is not her fault. Do you want to be that kind of friend?!
Next, I create new affirmations (intentional practiced thoughts) to help me create new belief systems, which help make the old belief systems obsolete. Example: “I will only say yes to things, I really want to do and truly meet my needs and highest values.” And the (always) powerful “I will let other people take responsibility for their own feelings”, meaning, how they react, is entirely their own business and completely a product of their own standards, boundaries and insecurities…and have NOTHING to do with you!
Ok, now don’t get me wrong, there are somethings that you have to do, even though you don’t want to (doing the dishes, comes to mind), but there are A LOT of things we say YES to, that we shouldn’t and move us further from our goals.
Do you want to know the best thing about saying NO?! So saying NO, is really just a way of saying Yes later! Because the paradox of saying No is that by saying No to things that you feel you “should do” but don’t really want to do, you are allowing yourself, the time, space and energy to say YES to more meaningful important things you want to do.
So, the moral of the story…if it is not a Hell Yes, then it should be a NO! Got it? Good! ????
Happy boundary setting my friends!
XO,
Sally
P.S. I don’t want to muddy the water, but saying No too often is a bad thing too. But if you fall in this camp, I think you know who you are…and we will talk about this more at a later time!
If you need more support in your boundary setting or dream creation, feel free to reach out and set up a complimentary discovery session!
