Sometimes, all I can focus on, is what isn’t going right, what I want to, but haven’t yet achieved, where I want to go in the future and all the things I want in my life.
In these moments I start feeling fearful and scarcity about my relationships, money, my progress, envious of others and start finding reasons to blame and shame myself for whatever I feel isn’t going right.
And the old ugly recordings start to play in my head…“Maybe they don’t like you”, “You have gained a little weigh, so you just need to lose a few pounds and your will feel on top again”, “You need to be a better wife/mother/friend/person”, “You think you can do, what?” “Who do you think you are?” “You just need to work harder”
This is the place I have been for the last few weeks.
It sucks, because when I am in this cycle, and start working from this place, with these thoughts and motivations, nothing is ever made better, in fact, everything only gets harder and heavier. I get more stuck, it feels like moving through mud.
Then because I am a coach, who works with people on these very issues, I start stewing about stewing and creating stories and baggage around that “failure”.
And then I remember one very important thing, I am a human woman first and this up and down is part of the life journey and the process. Which is the second thing I have to remember…this life journey thing is a process, where you constantly have to practice the lessons you have learned along the way.
Sometimes the practice is tougher than other times and sometimes you forget to be focus on the right things and you only focus on the pain and the hurt.
But then my clarity comes, either in small flashes or big epiphanies, in which I realize that I have (yet again) tumbled down that proverbial hill. And I say, “Oooooooh, right this my story, this isn’t really what is happening. This is not the truth, this just where I go when I am trying to make sense and ‘fix” those feelings of fear, scarcity and not enough. ”
So then, with this new/old wisdom, I take a moment to be still, put on my love, compassion and gratitude glasses and look around. And everything is perfect. Everything is just as it’s supposed to be. I am not that twisted disfigured thing that I was envisioning, who was pretending (trying) to be perfect, shiny and straight.
I am neither of those things.
I am actually a perfectly imperfect, a fluid swirly mix of magic and sparkle.
I realize that I have forgotten my own magnificence. I sometimes forget that I am, after all a part of the source, a child of god (insert your own HP here) and connected to all of the beauty in this world.
I have temporally forgotten this simple, yet powerful truth.
And I must compassionate with myself about this too, because this forgetting is just part of the human experience.
I like to think of moments like these as tantrums of the ego, and just like with children, you have to realize what’s happening, don’t give in, or cover up, and just ride the wave (even if it happens in the middle of Target), leave the area if you must, and when you get a moment of calm (which will come), take some deep breathe, take some time to soothe, calm and collect yourself fragile little ego and put it to bed and allow your soul and spirit to take over.
And the best way to give the soul and spirit the reins is to start practicing presence and gratitude, in as many moments of your day as possible. Because you must come back to the truth of yourself and your life to find peace and freedom and the truth is always found in the deep space between, not in the external scarcity.
There you will find true abundance.
There you will find the basis of all goodness, grace and peace.
There you will find Love.
Love for yourself, others and life. In that love space, you can learn from your experiences, unpack some baggage and start living and becoming more of your true authentic self.
So if there is pain, place the salve of gratitude and love on that wound, and healing will begin.
That is my strategy, and I begin to heal.
Love,
Sally
