I ran into a friend, (who we shall call Lina )last weekend at a bookstore and something wasn’t right, she seemed upset and agitated.
I asked her what was going on, and she let it all spill.
Apparently she has a coworker that is really nasty and toxic, and she makes Lina’s job hell. She is always pointing out where Lina “failing”, talks behind her back to other coworkers and is down-right nasty to be around.
Lina told a tale of, meanness, fretting, irritation, pleasing, worry, hurt feelings, sleepless nights, fatigue and then she said, “I can’t wait until this season is over (she is a volleyball coach) so I don’t have to work with her anymore.”
So I asked her, “Can I offer a slightly different perspective? Have you ever thought that maybe she was sent into your life to help you?”
And of course I got the blank then irritated look that people get when they hear a super annoying and possibly irritating comment…just like this one. ????
But I said, “Ok, I know…just hear me out.”
“maybe she was sent to you, so you can become better at allowing other people to take full responsibility of their own emotions, instead of feeling like you need to do something to fix them or change things. When you stop taking responsibility(even internally) for other people’s emotions and reactions they no longer have power over you. ”
You see, I could tell that she was internalizing this coworker’s actions and molding and changing herself to try and “fix” the situation. #pleasing #fixing
We are taught as little girls that when we do the ”right” thing and we are pleasing, helpful, nice, gentle, then people will like us and be nice to us. And when that doesn’t happen, we often take it personally and feel like we have done something and start fretting over how we can change and what to do fix the situation.
But it’s not our responsibility. Adults are responsible for their own action and bees wax.
Besides, not even possible for us to change (or even understand) another person’s reactions and feelings. We are only responsible for our own emotions and feelings. You see, everyone around us, comes to us with their own perspective and load of baggage. Often the source of their attitude and reactions was created waaaaaaaaay before you ever entered the picture.
Instead of allowing their emotions and reaction to be fully their’s to own, effect, change, manage and take responsibility for, we often internalize them as our problem.
And we take in their poison.
And now we have two sick people on our hands.
So, instead of taking in their poison, see the poison for what it is, pain.
Only people in pain can dowel out pain to others.
But we (as adults) always have the option to say, “No thanks, I am not responsible for your feelings.”
So next time a Jerk comes in your life, say ” Thanks for giving me an this opportunity for growth. But no Thanks, I will not swallow your pain and poison. I will stay healthy, so when/if you need me to support your own growth I am able to.”
Say No, Thanks to managing other people’s baggage, because it will only make your load heavier.
And you don’t need a heavier load, because you have fabulous places to go in your life!
Peace,
Sally
P.S. If you need help managing your and unpacking your own baggage, let me know, I am really good at it! I help both my private coaching and my group coaching clients learn to live a more confident, empowered and peaceful life!
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